I have just gotten done looking in the mirror, and I hate what I see. After years of living a lie, I have to give it up, because there is no where else to go.
Is there nothing but evil in me, trying to look out for Jeff and not caring about anyone else? Right now I feel like it. Its a horrible thing to stare at it.
Now I know its not completely true. I feel remorse. I wish I could take back all the words, feelings, and have nothing but good memories built on a friendship.
But that can't be.
With everything that happens in life, there are consequences to actions. For me, there is a lot of hurt to endure. Pain. Emotional bankruptcy. I am down and the count is sounding off. I don't know if I will ever recover.
But in time, I will.
This is a necessary event if I want Christ to truly be what drives me. Every time I think I am there, I am once again humbled by him.
Will I ever find a special someone? Maybe one day. Right now, it looks like never. I pray that one day, when I am following after Jesus so intently, that I'd be following him so intently. If a meet someone I will, and if I don't, I don't. Either way I want it said that I followed Christ with all my heart.
To all you who know me: Can you ask me how I am doing from time to time? Am I passionately following Jesus with reckless abandon?
To that person out there, if they read this: I'm so sorry. I'm sorry for everything I did. I from the bottom of my heart wish you the best. Thanks for trying.
Jeffrey
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1 comment:
Dude,
I love the openness to allowing others to keep you in check. Only God knows what kind of wonders this works in people's lives. We all need that. Someone to kick us in the tail when we need it. Or maybe just to be crazy and bury something massive in the snow. Either way, God gave us people and I applaud your investment in them.
I miss seeing you man. You kept me energized at times this summer. Keep letting God work through you. I'll try to check up on you every now and then. :)
-Aaron Zehr
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